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 A Random Poem

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Posts : 54
Points : 71
Join date : 2010-01-11

PostSubject: A Random Poem   Mon Feb 08, 2010 6:28 pm

With the sun on my back and a gun in my hand,
I fight for your freedom and rights,
Across the sand,
The battle is won,
But the fight has yet to come,

In times of war we fight,
Where others run,
We stay and bring light,
To the darkness that surrounds the sun,
We are the sons and the daughters,
The mothers and fathers,
Of this great land.

After what seems like forever,
We come back,
To see our lives severed,
For the deeds that we did and one simple fact,
We are the ones, who put down their lives,
Who feared the bullets and knifes,
To save all of you and your lands,
So forgive me if I don’t shed a tear,
For your shattered plans,
And your hope lost to fear.

Your plan it was flawed,
You hope was a lie,
All you did was slowly saw,
At what little pride and honor we held when we died,
You couldn’t help but stab us in the back,
Whilst we were fighting against the emanate attack.
We sacrificed our lives for what,
A pat on the back and some good luck.

I know it's pretty bad but I wanted some advice and whatnot on it. Any constructive criticism you can offer would be welcomed.
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Posts : 16
Points : 32
Join date : 2010-01-06

PostSubject: Re: A Random Poem   Tue Feb 09, 2010 3:23 pm

I like it sounds good.

Only issue with it (and don't take this personally as poets all have their own things that they do, and this could just be yours) is that it seems like it cuts off at some parts. Like I said, it could just be your "mark" though, so I won't bother pointing out such places.

Overall though it is good, well done =)
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Zeroshin Hakura


Posts : 152
Points : 374
Join date : 2009-02-24

PostSubject: Re: A Random Poem   Sun Feb 14, 2010 6:33 pm

Marvelous Marvelous I enjoyed reading it and yeah Niki, I think it's his mark cause I read it aloud and I thought it sounded very well. Good job
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Posts : 50
Points : 30
Join date : 2010-03-13

PostSubject: Re: A Random Poem   Mon Mar 22, 2010 4:23 pm

Another Random poem. Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated and welcomed.

I knocked at your door and you looked away,
You turned your back on me,
And this is what I have to say,

I watched you grow,
I gave you hope and dreams,
Too fast for me to know,
To realize all your schemes,
You said everything was okay,
But knew that it was a lie,
I was only waiting for you to say,
That you wouldn’t watch me die.

But the words never came,
You let me slowly fade,
The songs were all the same,
They were of the progress you have made,
The very same that killed me so,
With your chemicals and war,
I never thought you’d sink so low.

You were my only hope,
Now it is coming to an end,
It wasn’t exactly an unnoticeable slope,
You never even tried to mend,
The damage that you’ve done,
You never accounted for the sum,
The millions of garbage all in tons,
Just you watch the worst has yet to come.
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A Random Poem
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