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 The Eternal Twins (No Final Forms yet, not enough time)

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Salvador Turno

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PostSubject: The Eternal Twins (No Final Forms yet, not enough time)   Fri Jun 11, 2010 10:46 pm

Name: Apollo

Bow Manifestation: Apollo's appearance is very simple, no modern fixings or alterations. it is just a simple old wooden bow. The bow however has fair amount of jewelry on it, where there are two images carved onto the bow a sun which is made out of gold which is around 3 inches above the arrows resting location, and a ruby flame around 3 inches below an arrows resting location.

Description: Apollo's arrow fring would have to be described as similar to a gauss gun, howeve rits firing mechanics are not. Instead of powerful electromagnets being used to draw the arrow forward at intese speeds, the owner draws the sprit string to prime the arrow an intense concentration of light and heat is infused in one location with reaitsu, this makes a very dense and hard arrow, then an almost similar process is applied right behind the arrow almost like a spring. this huge concentration of enrgy is then released in an instant sending the arrow flying at intense speeds, in essence the mechanic is most simlar to a high-precision rifle however its speed and power rival a guass gun. The rate of fire is not particulary quick noted at being around as fast as it takes a skilled archer to fire an arrow one at a time without having to reach into his quiver, an example of this would be to right now out your arms out like your were firing a bow and prime the shot and release and a good speed would be around a second, which I know is not good in an rp, but yes a second that is the relative time it takes to draw the string again, make the arrow and then fire it.. Since its travel speed is nigh instantanous it would take a person of high caliber at least Captain level to see and dodge them on a reliable basis, this is too insure that not everyone just says they sidestepped "one arrow", lower ranks cannot see the arrow in flight. but may be able to judge where it will fly right before it is sprung, however this process is difficult and it should not be assumed a non-elite can just dodge this endlessly. The arrows penetration power is formidable, it can basically go through any man-made substance, even diamond, basically the only thing that can block it would be powerful spirtual barriers made by elites, however like any other projectile it will eventually run out of steam and grow slower and less powerful making it more prone to becoming slower and less powerful, U guess rock, metal,hard things made by spirtually aware individuals could block it since they would be infused by spirit particles however they would have to be elite since, any lower and those barriers would probably be less spirtually dense. So in conclusion, can't be stopped by anything except for barriers made out of reaitsum or a hard reiatsu infused substance made by an elite.

Technique: Iilo's/ As the string is drawn as if to fire another arrow, the bow glows white and the string glows orange, however this time the energy is bult up much longer and becomes more concentrated and powerful then a standard shot. After the arrow is charged it can be held within the bow for up to 5 posts, during which time other arrows and techniques can be fired. During these 5 posts the arrow can be fired and nothing will go wrong. However as soon as the sixth post begins the bow will explode with tremendous force which will destroy it temporarly (10 posts) and severly damage the wielder and anyone within 5 yards. If the arrow is fired the effect is this, unlike the Gran Ray Cero-like arrow I mentioned earlier, this one is more like a Super Kamehameha, a straight powerful blast of energy whose radius is Salvador's height 6 feet*(Okay Okay he's 5,11 sue me), therefore the blasts diameter is 12 feet and has the effect that if it hits a substance that contains spirit particles it absorbs them and gives them back to Salvador to replenish himself, this also has the uncanny effect of going through and reiastu barrier as it will just merely absorb it nd pass right through.
Name: Artemis

Bow Manifestion: A silver lunar version of its brother, Artemis's color is not the chestnut brown of Apollo instead is a more obscure greyish-lavender color. As with its brother Artemis also has some jewelry on it, 3 inches above the arrow's resting location thier is a ssilver cresent and below it thier is an emerald leaf.


Description: Artemis firing mechanic is different from its brother's, instead of firing one concentrated it fires around shoots 5 unconcentrated shots at his opponent with every pull. Not as destructive or fast as the shot of its brother, the shots are quite quick and thier intial direction can be chosen by Salvador even if they are all going in different directions, and will penetrate through normal clothes and flesh and burn and crack through hierro and cause the the target to bleed at the source of the wound, these arrow would be stopped by man-made structure like walls and metal natural elements like rocks. It must be easy to see that against spiritual barriers it would not pose much of a threat. This however does not bode the same for Hierro and armor and other forms of spiritual defence of the body. These arrows are smart arrows and slowly adapt to the reaitsu of the defence to eventually brake through it. 5 posts in the arrows should start making dents, 10 points small drops of blood would appear on the wound site, 15 posts in the arrow would go in but not come out and deal more damage, and 20 posts in the arrow would go clean through.

Technique Selini/ Artemis glows white and 25 arrows of the same power as usual are shot from the bow.

Duration 1 post/ Cooldown 3 posts.

------------------------------------------------------

----------------------------------------------

Custom Equipment

Name: Seele Sabel

Type: Seele Schnieder

Description:

Ability: Besides looking awesome, the Seele Sabel is an enhanced version of the regular Seele Schnieder, its vibrations are increased to around 5 million per second this does not grant any specialmbenefits except for the face that it can block even a Captain's Bankai but not cut it. These Seele Sabel's even gather reshi from the airmore effectively , allowing Salvador's already impressive speed to be increased by 2x and they further refresh his reaitsu reserves allowing him to keep it level and not lost it through out the fight., if they are duel wielded which they can at the cost of not using any bows, his spped is again increased by 2x again and he in fact begins to gain reaitsu not just keep it level. They are also still able to be fired from his bows, its effects depend on the bow. . Salvador can carry 5 at a time. (Quincy do make thier own reaitsu, but they also draw from the air and reaitsu-infused substances using both to fight.

Technique: Blitz-Salavdor instantly teleports to where a Sabel is, this also applies to the clothing bows, Sal gives to his subordinates, if they press the pendant in the middle, thats where Salvador appears, one time only. )hence lame Naruto rip off).
Duration 1 post/Cooldown N/A Depends on the factors present, but if he wishes to, Salvador could this technique 5 times in a post.

------------------------------------------------------

----------------------------------------------

Quincy Final Form

Name:*What is the name of your Quincy final form?)

Appearance:* What does your final form look like? Bow? outfit? etc.?*

Ability:*What are the abilitt of your final form? The power of your bow? The
limitations of it?, have no more then one ability for each form.*

Limit:*You can only use the final form for ten post, then you must wait ten
more post before you can use it again.At this time you cannot use the
bow/glove/armor or any abilities connected to it, you must also be an elite

Quincy to even have this form.*

*You must have 400 posts to gain this form*

*You must train for 2 pages in the (odd i know) bankai training area with

another elite Quincy each post being as minimum of five full lines*

NOTE!

-When using Final Form, there is no loss of Quincy powers.

-Each Final may automatically have ONE technique and no more then

ONE.

-Top 4 Elites may have this form automatically, and do not have to train for it.
-For Elites with two gloves, you are allowed two Final Forms. The top two are
allowed to have three, one for each glove and one for both. HOWEVER,
consider the ten post cool down. During the ten post cool down, you are
permitted to only basics, meaning Seeles, Ginto, Hirenkyaku, and NORMAL
arrows. You may not use Ransotengai or any techniques during this time.
However, if you have Ransotengai active before activating Final Form, then it
remains in place. Techniques and Ransotengai are available during Final Form,
just not during the cool down that follows. And NO jumping from one FF to the
next!

-Also, realize that you may add to/amplify/make new techniques that are
applicable for Final Form only. But you do not get them automatically with the
form. You must get the post requirement first, just like any other technique.
-You Can have One Final for or One Evangeline, or just the one Evangeline
with double the allowed time.


Last edited by Salvador Turno on Thu Jul 08, 2010 5:22 pm; edited 2 times in total (Reason for editing : Corrected)
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The Abyssal Toymaker



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PostSubject: Re: The Eternal Twins (No Final Forms yet, not enough time)   Sun Jun 13, 2010 7:20 pm

All right. I'll begin my thoughts on this Bow application, now, and tell you what I think. Basically, any and all problems will be underlined, for your convenience and easy understanding.

Quote :
Bow Manifestation: Apollo is a golden orange gilded bow that shines faintly, it is adorned with many symbols of the sun and of light and of fire. It is modeled after a classical bow and almost appears as i it were made out wood. I would have to say its a brilliant version of the Fairy Bow for OoT.

First off, we have a comma splice. At the "it", you should have either ended the sentence before "it" with a period, or used a semicolon instead of a comma. Fix this grammatical error, please. Second, we have an extra letter which should not be in there. Fix that, also. Third, well, this regards the term "Brilliant version of the Fairy Bow for OoT". Please describe what you mean by this, in full detail, as I am quite sure some of us, such as myself, have no inkling as to what a Fairy Bow or OoT is. Take note, in the future, not to be so vague in such things; rather than saying that, just described what it is that you mean. What it looks like. It's confusing and vague as it is. Describe what these symbols of yours look like. Saying the sun, light and fire... really doesn't tell much. Elaborate further, please. All in all, a simple-looking bow. Considering that, I pass this with the level of detail you have included, providing you fix what I have asked and answer fully any concerns I have had. On a side-note, you have my complements for using a classic wooden bow. We see so few of them these days. With that, we move on.

Quote :
Description: Apollo's firing mechanic's would have to be described as similar to a gauss gun, The rate of fire is not particulary quick noted at being around as fast as it takes a skilled archer to fire an arrow one at a time without having to reach into his quiver however, but its travel speed is nigh instantanous it would take a person of high caliber at least Captain level to see and dodge them, as well since they are traveling so quickly they can cut through even the hardest of Hierro like butter.

Here, we have a another error. You should have used "mechanics", not "mechanic's"; the latter would be a possessive form. Second, the comma you have there is another splice. You should have either ended the sentence or used a semicolon. Third, there's a spelling error in there; particulary should be spelled as particularly. Also, when you reach the point where you put "however", you should have ended the sentence, or, again, used a semicolon, with a comma following after "however" in the sense that you used it. Of course, to mean "In spite of that, or, despite that". After that, when we reach the next "it" in the sentence, you should have started that off as another sentence. A few commas would do you well to clean up that paragraph a little, as some of it runs together in an unsightly and confusing manner.

I dislike the fact that you make it so that only Captain-level can see and dodge. It makes it an auto-hit for lower-ranked members, and, therefore, bad, in my opinion. Please be more reasonable with this and edit. Also, understand that, concerning the Hierro-cutting aspect, higher-ranked, stronger Arrancar may not be pierced so easily. Generally, this is a speedy bow. Sound idea. Interesting Gauss Gun concept. However, I have some concerns about that. Just don't go over the top with this. A Gauss Gun can be a very powerful thing. On that note, I wil be watching your use of this weapon closely, to keep an eye out for any OP GM things. You have told of its destructive power, giving no example as to the extent of its power. Give an example; state precisely what it can and cannot destroy. Don't use examples like cutting Hierro. Within reason, it's all right if it can go through Hierro, but I need more than that to go on. Use other examples.

All right. Just so we on clear on this, the only aspects of a Gauss Gun that your bow has is speed. You get what you write, and from what I've read, it doesn't seem as if your bow has any other properties of a Gauss Gun. If such is not the case, you should speak up now. With the vagueness that first sentence, remarking that your bow is similiar to such a thing, you only go on to described the speed and the piercing power attained by the speed. Since such is the case, that's all you get of that. Moving on.

Quote :
Technique: Iilo's/ Apollo glows white for a flash and a Gran Rey Cero like golden blast of reaitsu is shot from the bow that will incnerate any part of the body hit by this no exceptions.
Duration 1 post, Cooldown 3 posts

Technique number one. Sigh. No. No Gran Ray Cero-like blast. A cero is a cero, not an arrow. If you are going to have an arrow that is "similar" to a Gran Ray Cero, that's fine; but... no "like" things here, mister. That would presume that it works in the same way, which it cannot. In addition, if you are going to have something like that, then describe it as itself. Don't just put "Gran Ray Cero-like blast". There's a spelling error up there as well. "Incnerate" should be "incinerate". Hm, a comma should be placed before "no exceptions", in my opinion.

Something with enough destructive power to incinerate entire parts of the body, should it hit the entire limb, needs a much larger cooldown than just three post. Increase that. Also, if it has the same level of power as a Gran Ray Cero, then you need to set a limitation as to how many times you can use it, total. I believe the Espada have a similar thing set up, though I am uncertain as to the validity of that. I'll have to check up on it.

Quote :
Bow Manifestion: A silver lunar version of its brother, Artemis is a soft purplish grey with silver accents added in, depart from its color and lunar symbols it is nearly identical to Apollo.

Once again, please elaborate further on the appearance of the symbols. You say that it is nearly identical to its brother, which implies that it is not exactly the same. State in what ways it is different. Describe these differences. I am uncertain as to whether depart would be the proper term for what you mean, but it seems as if both it and apart would fit. Regardless, before the word "depart", you should have ended the before sentence and started the one after as a new one.

Quote :
Description: Artemis firing mechanic is different from its brother's, however it fires around shoots 5 shots at his opponent with every pull, though not as destructive or fast as the gauss like shot of its brother, the shots are quite quick and thier intial direction can be chosen by Sakvador even if they are all going in different directions, and will penetrate through normal clothes and flesh and burn and crack through hierro and cause the the target to bleed at the source of the wound, but the shot will not go through, the stronger the Hierro the less effective this is, at a Primera level only a few drops of blood would be lossed for each shot.

Artemis should be Artemis' in the manner you are presenting the word. The possessive form. As is with the paragraph you wrote so far above, your usage of "however" is incorrect. You should have either started a new sentence with a comma following the word, or used a semicolon with a comma following the word. Above, I believe you means "shots", not "shoots". Also, there is an extra "shots" in there that you should remove. Where you have put "though not as destructive" should be a new sentence entirely. I recommend doing such to help the flow of the paragraph move along more smoothly. Thier should be their, so you should fix that error as well. I would recommend that you start a new sentence at "the stronger". Lossed should be lost. Another thing. As is with your previous bow, you tend to speak of its destructive power, yet give no example as to the extent of its power. Going through Hierro doesn't tell us much. Give an example; state precisely what it can and cannot destroy. Don't use example like "Primera-level". Use clearer examples.

Quote :
Technique Selini/ Artemis glows white and 25 arrows of the same power as usual are shot from the bow.

Duration 1 post/ Cooldown 3 posts.

So, basically, this fires twenty-five of the Bow's normal arrows at once, correct? That's perfectly fine. I see the cooldown as being adequate for such a technique. This technique is approved.

Quote :
Custom Equipment

Name: Seele Sabel

Type: Seele Schnieder

Description:

Ability: Besides looking awesome, the Seele Sabel is an enhanced version of the regular Seele Schnieder, its vibrations are increased to around 5 million per second and can block even a Captain's Bankai but not cut it. These Seele Sabel's even gather reshi from the air, allowing Salvador's already impressive speed to be increased by 2.5x and they further refresh his reaitsu reserves, if they are duel weilded which they can at the cost of not using any bows, his spped is again increased by 2.5x and he in fact begin's to gain reaitsu. They are also still able to be fired from his bows, its effects depend on the bow. But the most signiature ( and completly ripped off of Naruto) effect is that at the cost of the bow disintegrating, Salvador can instantly teleport where a Seele currently is, this property is also in the clothing bows he gives his subordinates to use as a one time summoning package. Salvador can carry 5 at a time.

All right. You have a tendency of making these run-on splices. I suggest you work on that for the future. It's... not a good thing. Anyways, where you began at "its vibrations", you should have started a new sentence... or, yes, once again, should have used a semicolon. Using a variety in punctuation can be a good thing, after all. I believe you mean Sabels, not Sabel's. That's possessive form. Seeing as the usual of this thing vibrates at 3,000,000 per second, five is not that big of a deal. Hm. Speed increase. It's a bit much with the extra vibration and all, but I'm willing to let it slide if you only get a double increase. You mispelled reiatsu, wielded, and speed. A note... Quincy don't, I believe, have reiatsu of their own; they draw in and gather the reishi and reiatsu from the air, using it to make their weapons and, sometimes, increase their powers. So, from my understanding, that part is void. Misuse of the word begins. Another splice at "its". A mispelling of completely, and a mispelling of signature.

The teleportation and summoning parts are denied on the grounds that such a weapon would not allow such a thing. It makes very little sense for it to be able to. Besides that, considering you gain speed and the vibration; there's really no reason for you to gain any more abilities than that.

Quote :
Technique: Drangen/ A huge concentrated amount of reatisu is used to push an opponent and any attacks coming away, its like being hit by a hurricane, it is meant to push an opponent on the ground with terrible damage and force.

Duration 1 post/Cooldown 4 posts.

Let's see. You have mispelled reiatsu, made another splice and error of it's, and yet another splice with it is. Sigh. As before, semicolon or new sentence, sir.

My main concern with this is the vagueness. It's huge, you say. Does this mean that it is the size of a Hurricane? If so, what kind of hurricane? Is the damage the exact of a hurricane? Or what? Where does the concentrated reiatsu come from? How does it travel to the enemy? If it can push through any attack, no matter what it may be, then I will ask you to revise and edit this. Unblockable things will be denied out-right. The kind of power this technique has; what it does, or how it seems to me, is far too much for such a tiny cooldown. Increase the cooldown by a marginable amount, please. Elaborate on this technique in its entirety. It's far too vague as is.

With that said, I believe I am done with reviewing this application. I think I've said all that I can say for the time being.
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The Abyssal Toymaker



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PostSubject: Re: The Eternal Twins (No Final Forms yet, not enough time)   Sun Jun 13, 2010 9:30 pm

I am finished with my review of this application.
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Salvador Turno

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PostSubject: Re: The Eternal Twins (No Final Forms yet, not enough time)   Thu Jun 24, 2010 11:46 pm

Ta da, thier Fibi I don't know but on that night I must have been really tired cuase this application was terrible.
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PostSubject: Re: The Eternal Twins (No Final Forms yet, not enough time)   Sun Jun 27, 2010 12:37 am

Once again, as is the policy with my reviews, all problems will be underlined inside of a quote, for your better understanding and convenience. I will now begin my review of this application.

Quote :
Bow Manifestation: Apollo's appearance is very simple, no flashy electornics, or modern adornments its set up isn't even that of a compound bow, just a simple old wooden bow. The bow however has fair amount of jewelry on it, where there are two images carved onto the bow a sun which is made out of gold which is around 3 inches above the arrows resting location, and a ruby flame around 3 inches below an arrows resting location.

First of all, before we begin, might I suggest you take up the art of proof-reading? It's really quite simple to learn, and it doesn't take all that long to do. When you proof-read, you sweep over the finished product of your work with a careful eye for errors, misspellings and the like, for a final result with less errors than there normally would have been. I confess, it does take time to obtain decent skill at it; but if you are willing to take the time, it pretty much pays for itself, and the time you spent learning it.

With that said, we will move on to the actual application. "Electornics" should be "electronics", so that's a spelling error, which, by the way, proof-reading would have solved. It's simple to spot such a mistake if you take the time. Also, I spot a grammatical error in there, as well, which took some time to notice...

Now, I am fairly certain that, after the sentence which states that "Apollo's appearance is very simple", you probably should have ended that with a semicolon. When we start digging into the next part, it seems awfully comma splice-ish to me. What's more is that when you enter the part that says, "its set up isn't even that of a compound bow, just a simple old wooden bow," that definitely should have been a new sentence.

Sentence structure, friend. It's an important part of grammar, and it needs to be listened to with a careful, attentive ear. No doubts about that. Moving down the road... to the next problem, then. The next problem, of course, would have to be in the next sentence. As quoted below...

Quote :
The bow however has fair amount of jewelry on it, where there are two images carved onto the bow a sun which is made out of gold which is around 3 inches above the arrows resting location, and a ruby flame around 3 inches below an arrows resting location.

However... Yes, your usage of the word "however" is bonkers. It is not possible for me to explain what is wrong without going into a bit of detail, so please, bear with me.

The word can be used two different ways, as far as I know, to have two different, distinct meanings. For example, in a sentence like, "however he tried, Fred could not bring himself to tell them the truth"... Or, as another example, the sentence, "you can do it however you like." Both mean something alike, that in whichever way of something, or no matter how, etc.

I gather you mean something like this, which means, basically, "in spite of that".

Example: "Steve liked how the community had set this meeting up; however, in general, he disliked gatherings a great deal."

Now, if this is the manner in which you meant to use the word, you should have covered both ends of it in commas. That's the proper way to use it, with that meaning. Your sentence... is poorly constructed, so I'll suggest a way to fix it, so that we may get through this quicker and more efficiently. I sincerely apologize if this is out of place, but let me give you an example of how I would phrase it. Of course, in a quote.

Quote :
The bow, however, has fair amount of jewelry on it; there are two images carved onto the bow; a sun, which is made out of gold, sized at around 3 inches, above the arrow's resting location, and a ruby flame, around 3 inches, below the arrow's resting location

A quickly-made fix... so I do not expect perfection, but that's a sample, at least, of what I would do with it.

Moving on...

Quote :
Apollo's arrow fring would have to be described as similar to a gauss gun, howeve rits firing mechanics are not.

Here, we have a problem similar to the one described above, concerning your improper usage of the word "however". Normally, we could set off the word by commas, fixing the problem, but in this case, it's a little tricky. You see, both the part before and after the word "however" are independent clauses, I believe. "However" is not a conjunction, as far as I am aware, so it cannot connect two independent clauses the way that a coordinating conjunction can. You should use a semicolon before "however", instead of a comma, and then place a comma after the word itself, to connect the two closely-related sentences together.

Quote :
Instead of powerful electromagnets being used to draw the arrow forward at intese speeds, the owner draws the sprit string to prime the arrow an intense concentration of light and heat is infused in one location with reaitsu, this makes a very dense and hard arrow, then an almost similar process is applied right behind the arrow almost like a spring.


First, I believe you should put "speed", not "speeds". There is one object in question, right, going at one speed. I am not entirely sure I am correct on this, but "at an intense speed" sounds much better to me than what you currently have. Moreover, you have misspelled the word "intense", and the word "reiatsu". Once again, the construction is poorly-made, as seen here:

Quote :
"the owner draws the sprit string to prime the arrow an intense concentration of light and heat is infused in one location with reaitsu, this makes a very dense and hard arrow, then an almost similar process is applied right behind the arrow almost like a spring."

You messed-up at the part about "an intense concentration". It just... vomits itself into the paragraph after the part before. I'm not sure how to tell you how to fix this without giving you an example... so let's go with that. Right, with the quote, again.

Quote :
Instead of powerful electromagnets being used to draw the arrow forward at an intense speed, the owner draws the sprit string to prime the arrow as an intense concentration of light and heat is infused in one location with reiatsu; this makes a very dense and hard arrow. Then, an almost similar process is applied right behind the arrow almost like a spring.

Now, how fast is this, exactly? How hot, precisely? Don't be shy with the details. Do tell us.


Quote :
this huge concentration of enrgy is then released in an instant sending the arrow flying at intense speeds, in essence the mechanic is most simlar to a high-precision rifle however its speed and power rival a guass gun.

Sigh. You are missing a capital letter at the beginning of the first sentence. The word "energy" is misspelled. There should be a comma before the word "sending". Once more, you mention speed, but do not tell us exactly how fast. Your sentences run together, again, making quite a nasty run-on... End your sentence at "in essence", and put a comma after the word itself. Then, end that sentence at "however"... at which point you will put a comma after the word "however". Now! Describe the power and speed, and use terms we can all understand. Likening it to a GG will not cut it.

Quote :
The rate of fire is not particulary quick noted at being around as fast as it takes a skilled archer to fire an arrow one at a time without having to reach into his quiver, an example of this would be to right now out your arms out like your were firing a bow and prime the shot and release and a good speed would be around a second, which I know is not good in an rp, but yes a second that is the relative time it takes to draw the string again, make the arrow and then fire it.

Add a comma after "quick", end the sentence at the "an example", and fix the "your" error... Lastly, to save us all time and headache, I'll fix that last part for you, in the following quote... My advice, re-learn English grammar, Flow. Jesus Christ, re-learn it.

Quote :
An example of this would be to, right now, out your arms out like you were firing a bow and prime the shot and release, and a good speed would be around a second, which I know is not good in an rp, but yes, a second. That is the relative time it takes to draw the string again, make the arrow, and then fire it.

Best I can do with it... off-hand. Now, unto the next part.

Quote :
Since its travel speed is nigh instantanous it would take a person of high caliber at least Captain level to see and dodge them on a reliable basis, this is too insure that not everyone just says they sidestepped "one arrow", lower ranks cannot see the arrow in flight. but may be able to judge where it will fly right before it is sprung, however this process is difficult and it should not be assumed a non-elite can just dodge this endlessly.

No, just no... What did I tell you before... about leveling things around ranks and such? If only a Captain-level can see and dodge them accurately, that leaves everyone else as automatically dead... Do not, I repeat, do not base your powers around things such as ranking. You are an elite, all right. I think you are even race leader, are you not? All right, that leaves you strong enough without having some auto-hitting arrow toward anyone below Captain-level. No. Denied. Reformat. What you have said is common sense, and need not be placed in this application. It's natural that no one can dodge forever. That's in the rules. That's enforced by the staff, not your weapon's concern. If someone side-steps an arrow that should have not been dodged, then that will be dealt with during that topic, in that topic, by a member of the staff. It's pointless information that makes this weapon seem far too overpowered. It's a speedy bow. That's fine. But that's all it needs. So, remove this part.

Quote :
Since its travel speed is nigh instantanous it would take a person of high caliber at least Captain level to see and dodge them on a reliable basis, this is too insure that not everyone just says they sidestepped "one arrow", lower ranks cannot see the arrow in flight. but may be able to judge where it will fly right before it is sprung, however this process is difficult and it should not be assumed a non-elite can just dodge this endlessly.

Yes, remove that. It's not needed, and even if it was, I wouldn't allow it. Common sense takes over here.

Quote :
The arrows penetration power is formidable, it can basically go through any man-made substance, even diamond, basically the only thing that can block it would be powerful spirtual barriers made by elites, however like any other projectile it will eventually run out of steam and grow slower and less powerful making it more prone to becoming slower and less powerful, U guess rock, metal,hard things made by spirtually aware individuals could block it since they would be infused by spirit particles however they would have to be elite since, any lower and those barriers would probably be less spirtually dense. So in conclusion, can't be stopped by anything except for barriers made out of reaitsum or a hard reiatsu infused substance made by an elite.

"Arrows should" be "arrow's". It should be either a new sentence or set-off with a semicolon. And.. no. It cannot go through any man-made substance. No, it cannot go through diamond. That sentence should be ended at the word "diamond", and a comma should be placed after "basically". I won't allow this powerful an arrow, Flow. Only blockable by spiritual barriers made by elites? Bullshit. I will say this only once more. Do. Not. Base. Your. Power. On. Ranks! Besides that, such a thing is absurd. An arrow that can pierce through anything? Not while I am here. Start "however" as a new sentence, place a comma afterwards, and another comma before "making". What's more, end the other sentence at "less powerful".

Quote :
U guess rock, metal,hard things made by spirtually aware individuals could block it since they would be infused by spirit particles however they would have to be elite since, any lower and those barriers would probably be less spirtually dense. So in conclusion, can't be stopped by anything except for barriers made out of reaitsum or a hard reiatsu infused substance made by an elite.

I don't know... what that is, that first part. Um... You have contradicted yourself there, by saying that it can be blocked, after saying that it could go through diamond.... Deep sigh. No, all things in that part are denied. It's been said before...

Curiously, tell me if I translated this correctly.

Quote :
You guessed right. Metal and hard things made by spirtually aware individuals could block it, since they would be infused by spirit particles; however, they would have to be elite, since any lower and those barriers would probably be less spirtually dense. So in conclusion, can't be stopped by anything except for barriers made out of reiatsu or a hard reiatsu-infused substance made by an elite.

Do not use text speak on this forum.

Quote :
Technique: Iilo's/ As the string is drawn as if to fire another arrow, the bow glows white and the string glows orange, however this time the energy is bult up much longer and becomes more concentrated and powerful then a standard shot. After the arrow is charged it can be held within the bow for up to 5 posts, during which time other arrows and techniques can be fired. During these 5 posts the arrow can be fired and nothing will go wrong. However as soon as the sixth post begins the bow will explode with tremendous force which will destroy it temporarly (10 posts) and severly damage the wielder and anyone within 5 yards. If the arrow is fired the effect is this, unlike the Gran Ray Cero-like arrow I mentioned earlier, this one is more like a Super Kamehameha, a straight powerful blast of energy whose radius is Salvador's height 6 feet*(Okay Okay he's 5,11 sue me), therefore the blasts diameter is 12 feet and has the effect that if it hits a substance that contains spirit particles it absorbs them and gives them back to Salvador to replenish himself, this also has the uncanny effect of going through and reiastu barrier as it will just merely absorb it nd pass right through.

Usage error with "however", again. End the sentence before, or use a semicolon, but either way, put a comma after "however". You mean "than", not "then". Comma after the next however, and another before "the bow". Tell how powerful this blast is. And is it six-foot wide and high? Or just high? Elaborate on this reiatsu barrier thing. You mention it a lot, but never give specifics. This is blockable, just so we are clear. Also, you need a cooldown.

Quote :
Bow Manifestion: A silver lunar version of its brother, Artemis's color is not the chestnut brown of Apollo instead is a more obscure greyish-lavender color. As with its brother Artemis also has some jewelry on it, 3 inches above the arrow's resting location thier is a ssilver cresent and below it thier is an emerald leaf.

Wow, for a second there, I actually started to think that I wouldn't have to grammar-monitor a paragraph in this. Well, where you put "instead" needs to be an entirely new sentence, or connected by a semicolon; but even if you did that, it still would not seem "right". Faulty sentence construction is the one at fault, here. You'd have to do something like this... to make it work properly.

Quote :
Bow Manifestion: A silver lunar version of its brother, Artemis's color is not the chestnut brown of Apollo; instead, it is a more obscure greyish-lavender color.

Alternatively...

Quote :
Bow Manifestion: A silver lunar version of its brother, Artemis's color is not the chestnut brown of Apollo. Instead, it is a more obscure greyish-lavender color.

Moving on, we will address the other issues with this paragraph.

Quote :
Bow Manifestion: A silver lunar version of its brother, Artemis's color is not the chestnut brown of Apollo instead is a more obscure greyish-lavender color. As with its brother Artemis also has some jewelry on it, 3 inches above the arrow's resting location thier is a ssilver cresent and below it thier is an emerald leaf.

Well, syntax is important for several reasons, but I think, personally, that one of its most important functions is to clear up confusion. You have to be careful not to use too many commas, or too little. But sometimes, it's important to put one to clear up confusion, as with the paragraph above. "As with its brother Artemis..." let's stop right there, shall we?

To explain away —precisely— what our problem here is, I'll give an example below.

"Come see the people fuck, Steve." And. "Come see the people fuck Steve." See, same sentence, nothing different, just a tiny, seemingly insignificant comma. And yet that comma changes the entire meaning of the sentence.

So I think you should place a comma before the name "Artemis", as it draws the clear distinction that you are speaking of this bow, Artemis, and not "its brother Artemis". You added an extra s in silver, and made errors with "their", which in the cases underlined, should instead be "there".

What's more, you should end the sentence at "3 inches", and continue on after that. It's sloppy as it is now.

Quote :
Artemis firing mechanic is different from its brother's, instead of firing one concentrated it fires around shoots 5 unconcentrated shots at his opponent with every pull. Not as destructive or fast as the shot of its brother, the shots are quite quick and thier intial direction can be chosen by Salvador even if they are all going in different directions, and will penetrate through normal clothes and flesh and burn and crack through hierro and cause the the target to bleed at the source of the wound, these arrow would be stopped by man-made structure like walls and metal natural elements like rocks. It must be easy to see that against spiritual barriers it would not pose much of a threat. This however does not bode the same for Hierro and armor and other forms of spiritual defence of the body. These arrows are smart arrows and slowly adapt to the reaitsu of the defence to eventually brake through it. 5 posts in the arrows should start making dents, 10 points small drops of blood would appear on the wound site, 15 posts in the arrow would go in but not come out and deal more damage, and 20 posts in the arrow would go clean through.

Well, let's see, here... we have grammatical errors, what I think is a comma splice, or at least... a poorly-made sentence, among other things. "Artemis" should be " Artemis' ". And at "instead", you should start a new sentence or do the semicolon trick that I'm sure you know by now. I suggest placing a comma before "it" as well, in this case. In addition, you have the word "shoots" where it should not be... "Thier" should be "their", and you have an extra "the" in there, too. Also, you should start a new sentence where the part with "these arrow" begins, and, moreover, fix the form of "arrow", which instead should be "arrows". And the part where you say "this however does", well, you should corner that "however" in with commas. You have mispelled "reiatsu", which should be "reiatsu"; and also, "brake", which should be "break". Other than that, I see nothing else worth mentioning here. Besides these things, it's fine, I think.

Quote :
Technique Selini/ Artemis glows white and 25 arrows of the same power as usual are shot from the bow.

Duration 1 post/ Cooldown 3 posts

This technique is still all right. Still approved. Now, moving on...

Quote :
Custom Equipment

Name: Seele Sabel

Type: Seele Schnieder

Description:

Ability: Besides looking awesome, the Seele Sabel is an enhanced version of the regular Seele Schnieder, its/u] vibrations are increased to around 5 million per second this does not grant any [u]specialmbenefits except for the face that it can block even a Captain's Bankai but not cut it. These Seele Sabel's even gather reshi from the airmore effectively , allowing Salvador's already impressive speed to be increased by 2x and they further refresh his reaitsu reserves allowing him to keep it level and not lost it through out the fight., if they are duel wielded which they can at the cost of not using any bows, his spped is again increased by 2x again and he in fact begins to gain reaitsu not just keep it level. They are also still able to be fired from his bows,its effects depend on the bow. . Salvador can carry 5 at a time. (Quincy do make thier own reaitsu, but they also draw from the air and reaitsu-infused substances using both to fight.

Sigh... At this point, I must ask myself. Does he even read what I write? I've told you to correct your grammatical errors, spelling mistakes, and so on, but I see plenty of them above, and throughout this application still. When you read my reviews, read the whole, not just parts. Fix all that I tell you to. It's common courtesy. After all, it not only makes the thing easier to read, but far better to look at, as well. We, as staff, do not get paid for this job; it's done on our free time, which could be spent elsewhere. So, listen to my instructions very carefully, when I give these reviews. Now, go back and read my last review, as you haven't fixed all the errors I pointed out on that one. As always, I've underlined some possibly new... errors.... Quincy don't have reiatsu, so he can't gain reiatsu to his reserves and so on. And no, he cannot gain an extra double speed beyond the first increase. Moreover, just abandoning the use of his bows to dual-wield, would NOT increase his speed. Noooooo. Remove that. Moving on...

Quote :
Technique: Blitz-Salavdor instantly teleports to where a Sabel is, this also applies to the clothing bows, Sal gives to his subordinates, if they press the pendant in the middle, thats where Salvador appears, one time only.) hence lame Naruto rip off).
Duration 1 post/Cooldown N/A Depends on the factors present, but if he wishes to, Salvador could this technique 5 times in a post.

All right, you changed your technique... But this one has its own set of problems, which I will now state.
Two comma splices, grammatical error... "Thats" should be "that's". All right, five times in a post is completely denied. Given circumstances, that would allow you to avoid things that should not be avoided. And since you have given us no limitation as to how far you may teleport, even if you may only use this technique one time per thread, from what I gather of this one time only thing. Give us limitations, distances, decrease the times you may use it, even if a one-time-per-thing.
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The Abyssal Toymaker



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PostSubject: Re: The Eternal Twins (No Final Forms yet, not enough time)   Fri Jul 02, 2010 6:37 pm

I am finished this review now; and I am truly sorry for the extended wait. Read closely...
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PostSubject: Re: The Eternal Twins (No Final Forms yet, not enough time)   

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The Eternal Twins (No Final Forms yet, not enough time)
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