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 Hacuna Kagi (Shinigami) (waiting for approval ) (Fixed)

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Hacuna



Posts : 1
Points : 2
Join date : 2010-06-23

PostSubject: Hacuna Kagi (Shinigami) (waiting for approval ) (Fixed)   Wed Jun 23, 2010 5:18 pm

Name: Kagi, Hacuna

Rank: Hacuna would like to be a Lieutenant, if not open, he choses the regular level.

Age: Hacuna's age is 150 years old. But he does look like he is 11.



Appearance: He is 6ft tall and have light tan skin. His clothing is usually a hawaiian shirt, plaid shorts, white socks, and white sneekers. Hacuna is skinny, tall and muscular. He has two moles right under his two eyes. He also has shoulder length white hair. Lastly Hacuna has long legs, long feet, long arms, and long fingers.



Gender: Male

Personality: He is a very shy wierd "man".He will act happy when he is alone, but acts sad with some people. Hacuna has a very short temper, He is set off easily.

Division: 11th Division.

--------------------

(This piece is optional)

Hair Color: His hair color is White.

Likes: Hacuna likes sleeping, eating, and fighting

Dislikes: He doesn't like excercising.

Crushes: Nothing

--------------------

Specialties: Cooking with cheese and pasta.

History: When Hacuna was eleven, he had died in a fire. But he was saved by a white masked man when he had died. Hacuna had almost become a hollow, but he was saved. The man said Hacuna had a lot of spiritual power. He didnt know at all what the man was talking about. He then stabbed Hacuna with a strange sword. He suddenly had a black robe with clogs, and a strange sword a lot like the masked man. The man said Hacuna was now a shinigami and he would train him to be a better Shinigami. He just went with the flow and accepted the training. The mans name was Ichigo Kurosaki. He trained Hacuna for ten years straight. After the training, He had a black robe and a sword. Hacuna even knew something called a bankai would await him soon. Two years later, he met an arrancar. He faced him and beat him, but he almost dead again. The soul society accepted Hacuna into the 11th squad. But, he actually was there for cleaning duty. Do you believe that, he thought he was going to fight. Hacuna wasn't mad at all. He was actually happy he was out of fighting. Hacuna was bored for twelve years. So he decided to go and ask the captain for a higher rank. The captain approved and hacuna was where he wanted to be. So he waited for nothing, and he had a great time there.



Sample Chapter: Only needed if you are applying for an elite rank. Just to see if you have what it takes for the ranks you're applying for. Please provide a sample of how you normally role play. Do not copy and paste... be warned.



Last edited by Hacuna on Thu Jun 24, 2010 10:49 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Not in Third person)
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Chinou

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Points : 320
Join date : 2009-04-18

PostSubject: Re: Hacuna Kagi (Shinigami) (waiting for approval ) (Fixed)   Wed Jun 23, 2010 9:40 pm

IF you're going to be that old, your physical appearance will need to be longer. Talkin' 'bout being of the age 20+.
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The Abyssal Toymaker



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Join date : 2010-06-05

PostSubject: Re: Hacuna Kagi (Shinigami) (waiting for approval ) (Fixed)   Thu Jun 24, 2010 3:59 am

In addition, please write you application in third person, not first. This role-play is written in third person, so that is how you must write.
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The Abyssal Toymaker



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Join date : 2010-06-05

PostSubject: Re: Hacuna Kagi (Shinigami) (waiting for approval ) (Fixed)   Fri Jun 25, 2010 1:12 am

I am sorry to say this, but this entire application is far too shallow to even be considered for approval. As is always with my style, the majority of problems will be underlined within a quote.

Quote :
Appearance: He is 6ft tall and have light tan skin. His clothing is usually a hawaiian shirt, plaid shorts, white socks, and white sneekers. Hacuna is skinny, tall and muscular. He has two moles right under his two eyes. He also has shoulder length white hair. Lastly Hacuna has long legs, long feet, long arms, and long fingers.

There is a grammatical error with "have", which should be "has". You meant "sneakers", not "sneekers"; a misspelling. This appearance does not tell us much about your character, beyond the fact that he wears shorts, a shirt, shoes, is skinny, tall, and muscular. Just like half the other people in the world. Surely there is more to your character than that? This doesn't jump off the page and come to life as most writing should. It's dull, bland, and lacking description. Actually, you don't tell us much at all. I could condense that entire description into one, single sentence, that's how much it lacks. Please, take your time, go over this again, make a visual image of your character, inside your head, and then scout over him from head to toe, looking at every nook and cranny, and describing what you see.

As is, I wouldn't approve this.

Quote :
Personality: He is a very shy wierd "man".He will act happy when he is alone, but acts sad with some people. Hacuna has a very short temper, He is set off easily.

Misspelling.

Sigh. Please, is that all? Two measly lines? Quality over quantity, yes. But I see neither one here. It doesn't look like you even bothered to come up with a descriptive, lively, vivid personality. Is shy, weird, happy when alone, sad with some people, has a short temper... Now, you need to put a space after every comma and period, sir, and you made a comma splice in that last sentence.

Okay, so he's anti-social, then? Has fits of melancholy around certain people? Has a fiery temper that is easy to ignite? There's actually a lot you could do with this sad excuse for a personality. You just haven't. Go in-depth, describe it more thoroughly, show us first-hand these things. Put every situation and aspect into light for us; make it come alive.

Your history tells us hardly anything at all. Describe his life in its entirety. Every moment. Every year. From birth to death. Yes, even his human life.

I'm off my game as I have just woken up, so please excuse any errors I may have presented.

Let me just say... this isn't looking good. You are going to have to do a lot better than this if you want an approval.
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