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 Toketsu Shizuka Kaze

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Toketsu Shizuka Kaze

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PostSubject: Toketsu Shizuka Kaze   Tue Jun 29, 2010 12:37 am

Name:Toketsu Shizuka Kaze

Rank: substitue soul reaper

Age: 15(current) 2 years old(first apperance)

Appearance: usually wears ripped zipped of pants,black open shirt with a collar,japanese clogs,white spekey hair that flows back scars on nose and on left side of my face,sharp teeth,white eyes with black pupils

Gender: Male

Personality: quiet,often disappears mysteriously,likes to rush,shy around people,timid....usually nervous,hates school,always curious.

Division: none

ichigo
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Toketsu Shizuka Kaze

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PostSubject: Re: Toketsu Shizuka Kaze   Tue Jun 29, 2010 12:39 am

History:my parents were killed by hollows ...I was almost killed by them until a soul reaper saved me at the age of two....i was taken in by her....
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The Hunter

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PostSubject: Re: Toketsu Shizuka Kaze   Tue Jun 29, 2010 9:23 am

Ahem, more on everything.. At least 5 lines on history and personality.. So much more on appearance... And technically, substitute soul reaper isn't a real rank.. Ichigo is kind of like a superhuman, but has shinigami powers, and was given the rank of sub soul reaper cause his powers were like a shinigami, so either you go for a real shinigami or a superhuman.
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PostSubject: Re: Toketsu Shizuka Kaze   Wed Jun 30, 2010 1:57 am

First off, please select one of our templates which are stickied topics in this section. I believe, since you are trying to apply for a shinigami, that the --->shinigami template here<--- is what you are looking for.

Now, there are several problems in this application that I must point out to you, before you proceed any further. The first of which is that this application is CLEARLY not finished, so please do remember to edit a 'WIP' tag into your topic so as to forestall the judgement upon this application by staff members until a later time.

Second, do NOT double post at all for any reason. If you are trying to apply additional information to the first post, you click the edit button and type in/copy in the information you want to add. NOT make a new post.

Toketsu Shizuka Kaze wrote:
Name:Toketsu Shizuka Kaze

Intriguing name there, good sir. Now. Which was is his first name and which is his middle and which is his last? Usually, we ask members to list their full name in the Japanese/Oriental language style, which lists the last name or surname of the character first, then their first and/or middle name. While this is not a severe error, please do factor that into account when editting this application.

Toketsu Shizuka Kaze wrote:
Rank: substitue soul reaper

Okay. *Substitute Soul Reaper or *Substitute Shinigami. Now, I'm not in charge of the rules when it comes to how you can apply to be a shinigami ... but I highly doubt that we've had an application around here trying to BE a 'Substitute', seeing as how that veers too much to the protagonist of the series. While it is not prohibited(as I know of), I must ask, why on earth do you want to be a Substitute o.o? What's wrong with being a normal Shinigami/Soul Reaper?

Toketsu Shizuka Kaze wrote:
Age: 15(current) 2 years old(first apperance)

... Huh? ... Okay. Age Fifteen. So your character's fifteen years old ... but 2 years old(first *appearance)? Does this imply the first time people meet your character, he appears as a two year old kid? Please, be more elaborate, unless of course, this is a typo, in which case, I do believe an edit is in order o.o;; Do note that the classification for age goes 'Actual/Real Age' and 'Visual Age', as well.

Toketsu Shizuka Kaze wrote:
Appearance: usually wears ripped zipped of pants,black open shirt with a collar,japanese clogs,white spekey hair that flows back scars on nose and on left side of my face,sharp teeth,white eyes with black pupils

. . . ... . . . *Usually *spikey *back, scars *his face. And ... I'm sorry. This provides no mental image whatsoever but a list of minor details that denies me the capability of envisioning your character. You're going to have to put in more detail, and add in more information about his physical appearance rather than his clothing of choice. Your eye color of choice is also rather unusual, seeing as eyes are normally white with the exception of a colored iris and then the pupil which is literally a 'hole' leading to the brain. About how tall is your character? What is the general complexion of his skin? Do these scars you mentioned stand out greatly upon his face, or are they minor jagged lines across his face? Sharp teeth ... um never mind. Japense clogs, care to elaborate? Usually wears ripped zipped of pants ... ... I'm sorry, could you rephrase this so it's easier to understand o.o;;

All in all, you NEED to extend the length of the appearance. I don't mean you need to write a couple dozen paragraphs ... but only two lines worth of information, most of which doesn't paint a comprehensive picture of your character, is just pushing it.

Toketsu Shizuka Kaze wrote:
Gender: Male

Nothing wrong here, I suppose.

Toketsu Shizuka Kaze wrote:
Personality: quiet,often disappears mysteriously,likes to rush,shy around people,timid....usually nervous,hates school,always curious.

As with the appearance, this is sorely lacking in detail. I don't expect a detailed analytical report on the qualms, scruples, and subconscious tendencies of your character, but ... try to flesh it out more and use complete sentences.

Toketsu Shizuka Kaze wrote:
Division: none

Huh. I suppose this is connected

Toketsu Shizuka Kaze wrote:
ichigo

Spoiler:
 

Toketsu Shizuka Kaze wrote:
History:my parents were killed by hollows ...I was almost killed by them until a soul reaper saved me at the age of two....i was taken in by her....

Okay. Rule #1 - Never, ever, EVER write in the first person! That is one of the few Golden Laws of Role-Playing, or at least around this forum it is. Everything MUST be written in the third person, including your application. 3rd Person Omniscient Narrator is the primary mode of explanation, please keep that in mind.

Rule #2 - When you start writing out histories, keep in mind you are supposed to explain the development of your character into what he or she(he in this case) ends up becoming at the present day. In other words, you must describe(not necessarily in detail, BUT MENTION) the ordeals that you character had to go through in order to become a shinigami.

Rule #3 - Ellipses, while they may seem like a useful tool and I admit I use them quite often, are the sin of grammar. Why? Cause they give rise to the most horrendous of run-ons in the universe. Why do you NEED three dots in a sentence? Just put a period, a comma, a semicolon or a combination of those with a conjunction, appositive phrase, prepositional phrase, SOMETHING to tie up the ideas inbetween the lines and then carry on with the next line/sentence.

Now. On to your history specifically. ... Your parents were killed by Hollows ... so I am to assume you are a human being who had his parents butchered. Okay. That's fine.

I was almost killed by them until a Soul Reaper saved me at the age of two. ... Take the phrase 'at the age of two', and mention it earlier.

For example: "When I was two years old, my parents were killed by Hollows."
HOWEVER, be sure to alter sentence strucuture to accomadate the third person instead of the first, like so:
"At the age of two, his parents were killed by Hollows. He was almost killed by them until a Soul Reaper saved his life."

This, however, is lacking in detail. Despite how things may seem around here, and how our staff's personalities are, we WANT to KNOW! True, the saying is show don't tell ... but if you don't tell us anything, then we can't see anyting at all. Apply detail, go into description about the Hollow attack. Did it occur in broad daylight? At midnight? Did this attack happen at a park and other bystanders lost their lives in the ensuing pandemoium? Etc. etc. etc.

Quote :
History: Toketsu had a pretty unsettling life to begin with. At the tender age of two, his parents were killed by pack Hollows in their home, late at night. The screams of agony that rippled through the neighborhood went underheard by their slumbering neighbors. The vile creatures, after finishing the meal upon his parents, focused their attention onto his young self. He was almost killed by them until a Soul Reaper came crashing in through the roof, and proceeded to kill the Hollows systematically, saving his life ...

ETC. ETC. ETC. This is your character, this is YOUR story. You're not obligated to tell us every little detail, but you DO have to throw in some detail so we don't get bland cardboard fact after fact after fact until we feel like grinding them up into oatmeal(no offense intended to anyone who likes oatmeal). Now, as mentioned in the previous Rule #2, you're going to have to explain how you, a human being at two years old, prompted a decades-if-not-centuries-old Soul Reaper to train you into a Substitute Soul Reaper WITHOUT COPYING ICHIGO'S STORY.

Rule #4: Copy-right violation and/or Plagiarism is given icily stiff and harsh judgement on here. Your application is not fully fleshed out, so we cannot and hopefully will never accuse you, but please be aware that such an act is one that places someone beneath the most brazen of curs.

So, all in all. Your application has too little for it to be properly judged, please ... extend all the section so as to develop and refine your character for this forum and role-playing experience. You do not have to meet my insane obsessive-compulsive standards to be approved, but you DO need to give us more than a meatless bone of an application for the staff to properly review it and give a verdict.

Thank you, good sir, and have a nice day. (Sidenote: Sorry if I seem ultra-bitchy and picky about details, but that's just how I review applications. Do note that not all of my recommendations or expositions need be followed seriously)
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